A Soda a Day Will Keep The Doctor Away

LISBON- Root beer (old school soda) was first mass produced for public sale in 1876 – 100 years after Merica’ was born. People have been drinking the tooth fairy’s elixir since before woman’s suffrage and the world wars against Germany. Today, it is now a staple in every household across the world and goes hand-in-hand with whiskey and rum. In the States, you get the good soda, the one with artificial sweeteners because sugar is too expensive for a low-cost economic strategies the big soda companies practice. If you drink sugar powered soda, then you support communism, you Californian. Here at Uhriginal, we came up with 5 Solid reasons to drink this historic greatness.

coke
Image taken from smithsonianmag

1. Sweet

One of the basic needs for humans is sweet stuff. You need glucose corn syrup and sugar (if your communist) to release those feel-good neurotransmitters called dopamine. It is like doing fat lines of coke from a strippers tramp stamp tattoo but with a fatter wallet. Without the sweet stuff, you will fall in a stage of depression and contemplate owning 8 cats because you have hit the wall in life. Without it, you are nothing. You will not be motivated to wake up and go to work, end up contemplating suicide or probably become an alcoholic with borderline personality disorder. Just remember the last time you had soda, it was an orgasm in your mouth and you felt like you were on top of the world.

2. Privilege

You think those skinny kids in third world countries are drinking soda? No.  You should be thankful for having the ability to purchase and enjoy having orgasms in your mouth. Not many people experience these orgasms in their mouths, and it’s a shame. Just check out these guys out eating chocolate for the first time:

3. Phosphoric Acid

Soda contains chemicals, like the chemicals you learn in AP Chem in high school. The best part? These chemicals do not kill you. Soda contains phosphoric acid and other stuff and makes you powerful and immune to pedophiles that masturbate in Taco Bell parking lots. The chemicals in soda removes rust from steel and chrome and go hand-in-hand with cleaning your car. If these ingredients can clean your car, imagine what they do to your insides. THEY CLEAN IT. It is like drinking chlorine without the bleach and the puke and all your friends will think you are cool.

4. Caffeine

Cocaine is not legal in the United States, so the next step down is soda. You see, cocaine is a derivative of soda, that’s why there’s a company called Coca-Cola. If you want to feel like the guy who bangs 10 strippers a week, drives a brand new Maserati and has everyone trying to kill him, then drink soda. The energy you get from the caffeine will give you zen-like focus and put you on an easy path to success. With some good ol’ caffeine, you will meet deadlines and climb the corporate ladder like King Kong. You have an exam to cram from? Chug a two-liter, it will get you through the night.

5. Weight Gain

If you want to be the swolest guy (girls you don’t want to be swole btw) on the block, you have to drink soda. Plenty of calories in a two liter along with many other nutrients and antioxidants. Soda is cheap, under $2.00, and the amount of gains will be worth it. Skip the milk, whey, and vegetable juice, that’s for squares. You get sugar, caffeine, and calories resulting in stronger lifts and more mass. This is a lifehack no one ones about, get to it and make those gains and become the next Arnold.

Bonus:

Soda is great for mixing with alcohol. Would you mix whey protein with tequila? No, unless you were in a frat.

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